That's ok, cause I'm not.

I'm Josiane, a 18-years-old Montreal (in Quebec, Canada) girl dealing with anorexia and bulimia since age 14. Like many of you, I live in a disfunctional family and I guess that's ok too, except when the times are too rough and I feel like the world falling on me like a million bricks, ready to break me in pieces. I'm not so thin; in fact, when I look in the mirror, I see a ugly looking blimp, which I guess you are familiar with too ;-)

I want to dedicate this page to you all, cause I know how hard it is, how shitty you feel alone with yourselves. Life is supposed to be beautiful, allright, but why would you care if you are not living at all? When food, diets, calories, fat, sugars, exercise, purging takes so much place there's no time to think about ANYTHING else, and you turn onto yourself so badly that you almost forget that there's people out there who care and want to help. Anyways, when you're definitely caught in the dragon's jaws, you escape the help as if it was some kind of plague that was going to end you're life in seconds... You run and run and run away, from you, from the cold and frightening world that's so full of forgotten hopes and dreams, so full of untouchable beauty and thinness. It's almost like the dance of Salvator Dali's magnificiently slender and tall models, in a dizzying and eternal circle slowing closing down on us. Making us prisonners of ourselves, of our ribs CAGE. Loneliness...

Kurt Cobain once wrote: "It's not cold enough/.../Endless climb/I am blind/Why can't I leave?/.../Waiting in line". I think this is very representative of how we feel towards the world and life. The glacial winds of misunderstanding and hate run though our skin, to our soul that freezes there, unable to react and protect itself. Then THIS THING decide what's IT's going to do with our life, and there appears a stair way stringed to the clouds, going up and up toward destruction, too often towards death. But we down see that happening, we don't understand why everybody's making such a big deal out of it, why they wanna stop us. Why they wanna end this marvelous dream, this awaited miracle, the dropping scales and the shining miror. Cause we feel so full of light, like a powerfull 1000000 watts lightbulb making sure the whole world doesn't turn into ice, but not caring a bit about the precious energy and faith that's slowly escape us and wasting away. We turn into nothing, waiting like all the other human robots, secretely hoping that there's something new down or up there, the paradise they talk so much about. But we quickly stop the swirling of thoughts that makes our head feel like it's gonna explode, and we keep on mortifying our body, our minds...

"I want to decide and take control. I will take care of my difformed body and reshape it into a fragile art piece. Gracious and cold. Like metal. I'll be an iron girl. Distant and luminous. I'll be a sun. A black sun. Full of light, but no burning rays. I'll lay there and do nothing but work. I'll be my own creator, I'll break the creation to pieces. But it'll still be precious and rare. The rests of me. Of what will have been me. I hape hopes and dreams for the future. I have a goal. If only I could reach it... If only I was strong enough... Iron is always strong enough..." Direct access to the kidshelp phone site on the internet